one month old! the good and the bad

So it has been one whole month since Olivia was born. She is doing amazing! She is such an awesome little girl. She was already one pound heavier one week after she was born, and she has gotten bigger since then which is great, she loves to eat. She is eating only formula and its working out really great. She is sleeping a lot more through the night and she only wakes up twice at night - maybe three times - and for the most part  falls right asleep after she eats and gets a diaper change. She loves tummy time, and loves to be held. She is starting to smile a lot, and its the best thing in the world.

I am still recovering  from my c-section. I had a superficial infection on my incision which has made recovery a lot slower. I do feel a lot better than the first two weeks! I am finally able to do chores and walk and not be in pain, but when I over do it, it still hurts. I have been struggling a lot with my anxiety for the past week. I think the lack of sleep and all the changes have really triggered my anxiety and it has been a rough week. I think that therapy has been great  but it's time to maybe get on some medication. I feel super sad that I couldn't fight this without medication, but at this point its more important to  feel better so that I can be the best mom I can be for Olivia. Besides my anxiety this week, motherhood is getting easier. I won't sugar coat it, it was really rough the first two weeks. I was in tears everyday, I felt like a horrible person that I wasn't feeling all those happy emotions that people have when they have their babies. I think having the c-section has made it a lot harder. These past two weeks have been so much better. I love spending time with Olivia, she melts my heart, and she just cracks me up with all her cute face expressions. Getting up at night is a lot easier, and I actually don't mind it. Life with our new addition is amazing, its getting a lot easier and I can't wait for what is ahead of us!

 This is my one month post partum body. I am back to my post baby weight but I def want to loose more weight and get healthier.

labor and delivery story

So lets start with our last doctors appointment which was Thursday August 9th. We had a non stress test that day and I  asked if they were able to do a membrane sweep and FINALLY they agreed to it! And in case your wondering no it does not hurt one bit. So after that appointment I felt really crampy. So that night I began to see bloody show and  I was so excited I was so sure I was going to go into labor that night. I didn't go into labour lol and that whole morning I spent the day in bed crying afraid of Tuesdays induction. Well   I eventually fell asleep and when I woke up I was having some cramps but they were not painful at all.  My sister in law came and brought Justin and I dinner and I ate and after that my cramps stopped. A few hours later I got on my yoga ball and bounced on it for maybe thirty minutes and my cramps started up again and I remember telling Justin "This always happens when  I'm on the ball and as soon as i get off of it they stop." So  I finally got tired and went to bed. I remember having some strong pains but I would wake up and think I was dreaming lol. So Justin finally went to bed and about two am I was in quite a bit of pain. So I woke Justin up and had him time my contractions and they were coming at about 10-15 apart. Within two hours they went from 10-15 min apart to 4-6 min apart. Finally at about five we started to get things ready I straightened my hair lol and put on some make-up in the midst of all the pain. I know call me crazy but i just wanted my daughter to be impressed or something I really don't know what I was thinking at the time. By seven am I couldn't handle the contractions I was crying so Justin suggested I take a bath and I did and let me tell you the pain felt almost gone in the water it was AMAZING! At eight  we finally headed to the hospital after talking to my midwife and her suggesting we head over.

We got to the hospital at about nine am. We were admitted by 9:30 and I was four cm dilated so I requested to have the epidural right away since I had been in pain for about 8 hours and I did not want to experience the really strong contractions. At about 11 am I got the epidural and the only part that hurt was when they numb you with the local anaesthesia but it was bearable. When my midwife Kat ( who is the most amazing lady ever!) came to check me I was at almost at six cm dilated so she broke my water. This was at about three a clock. So I  stayed at a six for almost 10 hours. Late at night I started dilating little by little by seven am I was at a nine. I thought in a few hours I would have Olivia but I was wrong it took me till ten to get to ten cm. I started practice pushing at 10:30am and pushed until about 2pm. At 2 the doctor came in and said he wanted to try the vacuum because Olivia's head was turned a certain way that my pushing and the contractions weren't getting her past that spot. So they got the vacuum and I pushed for about 30 min. While they were tugging with  the vacuum it came off and blood went everywhere. I looked at Justin's face and he looked like he was about to cry. I could tell he was really scared for the both of us. I was so determined though to get her out without a c-section that I kept telling them to keep going with other things. So they tried the forceps  and that didn't work so finally they decided a c-section was the only option at that point. I was so devasted I was crying uncontrollably but Justin and my amazing nurse and midwife kept reasurring me it was the best thing and I would be fine.

I went into the o.r. and Justin had to leave me to get his scrubs on and I was freaking out I started having a panic attack and I was just a mess. They numbed me even more and I hated the feeling of being that numb. Finally Justin came in and the surgery began. I just remember being super cold and asking for blankets. Before I knew it they announced she was coming out and I would feel a lot of pressure. Justin kept saying I see her and they yelled out she was out and not to freak out because she wasn't crying she had just swallowed some meconium. They rushed her out I didn't even get to see her.I was panicking that something was wrong and they wouldn't tell me so I kept asking everyone " Are u almost done?" I was so anxious to see her and be done. Finally they came in with her and I saw her and she was just perfect I started to cry it was such an amazing moment.  Going into the recovery room I was a mess I was shaking like crazy I was so cold and I coudln't get my body to stop shaking. But I was just watching them take care of Olivia because she was having some trouble breathing and I was so worried. Within a few hours she started breathing a bit better and I was finally able to hold her!  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but although it was hard I love my labour and delivery journey I had amazing people to help me through it and in the end Olivia came out healthy and so did I!

So my recovery has been kind of rough it has not been easy at all! I have been in quite a bit of pain and had to go into the er  because my incision has had some drainage and was in a ton of pain.  I am super tired and super emotional. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I am terrified of when Justin has to go back to work.  But I am trying to let God guide me through everyday and I am learning to really  trust in him. But although I am struggling I wouldn't trade my beautiful family for anything I know that eventually it will get easier. And a big shout out to my amazing husband who has been so supportive and so amazing through this whole journey I love you so much you are honestly the most amazing husband and best friend a girl could have. I love you I love you I love you!